Small Steps, Purposeful Steps

It is hard to believe it has been over a month since my last post. In that entry, I shared how my life—including my writing—has changed in light of my wife’s recent passing to her eternal home.

Perhaps it shouldn’t surprise me that it’s been over a month since I last posted. After all, the passage of time has become highly relative in my world. In the tedium of slogging through all the tasks that I have to complete on my own, this has been a long and slow-moving season. Paradoxically, I also encounter daily reminders of the life that I shared with Angela that make me feel like we were just laughing together yesterday.

Some of you might be wondering what I’ve been up to in this past month (that feels like a day but also feels like a year).

An Update

First, thank you for your support, your concern, and your prayers. Even though we are interacting through words on a screen, I know that you are a community of compassionate people who fully recognize that an actual human sits on this side of the keyboard, too.

On the human side, I am doing as well as can be expected. I am not scrambling financially, and my schedule is under control. I eat, sleep, and get things done around the house (though each of these is different from before). I watch TV less and read more. All in all, I manage and it works.

That said, the return to (or rediscovery of) normalcy in my writing life has been more elusive.

Back to Writing … Sort of …

I have not yet resumed drafting my next book (more on that in a bit), but I’ve taken other steps to get back into some kind of flow as a writer.

• In late March, I held my first in-store book signing of the year. A rainstorm disrupted the store traffic a bit, but it was still a good opportunity to connect with readers, hear their stories, and yes—sell a few books.
• A very gifted narrator is recording the audio version of Coin and Dagger. I’ve been enjoying reviewing his work and hearing his interpretation of the personalities in the story.
• For Good Friday, the leaders at my church decided to structure the service around multiple readings, each accompanied by a brief (under five minutes) devotion. They invited me to supply one of the devotions and I was glad to be able to participate.

A five-minute reading translates to about 700 written words—an easy target for someone who is accustomed to writing articles, blogs, and fiction scenes that are two to three times that length.

Of course, when God commissions a piece of writing, it is never just about word counts, practice, and craft. The work doesn’t happen without the presence of the King. This short 700-word assignment was a much-needed reminder of this truth.

A Quick Analogy

Those of you who watch baseball have seen a play where an infielder mishandles a ground ball and comes up with an empty glove. Sometimes, he doesn’t realize his error until he reaches into the empty mitt and proceeds to hurl a fist full of nothing toward first base. Muscle memory takes over and he gets all the way through the process without the ball.

The ball is, of course, a necessary element to make the play count. Likewise, when we are working in God’s kingdom, His presence is just as necessary. We cannot do what He would have us do without Him.

Reconnecting with God

Drafting and delivering that brief Good Friday devotion reminded me how much I need to seek out and lean on God’s presence in my life, specifically in my work. He was quite welcoming and glad to direct me to the points He wanted me to share with the congregation. The encouragement that people shared after the service confirmed that God was the driver behind those 700 words, and I was just the go-between.

Writing and preaching are the two activities where I most easily feel the presence of God. I was certain of His presence throughout the assignment, and that is exactly where I want to be. In the place where God put me, being used for the work that He has commissioned.

So why have I not been able to resume drafting my next book? I have two thoughts.

Abiding, not Just Visiting

The Christian life is about dwelling in God’s presence, not just checking in with Him. Paul summed up our shared life with Christ best:

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. – Galatians 2:20 (NIV)

Even though I feel the presence of God during certain tasks, this type of shared relationship does not come naturally to me beyond those tasks.

When I get a prayer request from a friend or encounter a reason to offer a word of thanks or a call for help, I have no trouble stopping to take a moment to pray. But to me, it still feels very transactional, like I’m pausing one mental activity, opening the prayer app in my head, and completing a side task.

This is not the same as abiding in Christ and sharing life with Him.

Connecting through Prayer

I read a book recently that made this truth accessible to me. In Commune by Bill Myers, the third book in Myers’ Rendezvous with God series, the protagonist, Will, enjoys a series of visits with Jesus (Yeshua) centered around the Lord’s Prayer.

The visits and their corresponding lessons coincide with the events of Will’s increasingly chaotic personal life, in a way that shows him that prayer is less about getting the words right than about getting the connection with our Father—our Abba—right.

Without spoiling the story (since I encourage you to read it), I’ll let the book speak for itself. Here are a couple of snippets from Commune that highlight the theme of establishing and maintaining our connection with God:

“In the Lord’s prayer, once I establish who I am praying to—a loving father with unlimited power— my very first request isn’t about me. It is about Him. His honor.” – Dr. Stewart, during a sermon

“The kingdom of God is where God is king. It’s not just where you go when you die. It’s right here and now, inside those who want us to be their king.” – Yeshua, to Will

Connecting with God through prayer in this way has always been difficult for me. I can connect easily through scripture, study, writing, and speaking. I can relate to Him as my king in those contexts. But prayer is not my strength, nor is viewing God as my Abba.

Prayer was Angela’s strength. I’m reminded how vibrant, meaningful, and often just plain fun, our daily prayer times together were. Her absence makes it harder to feel these prayer moments, even though what I objectively know about prayer and God remains unchanged.

So while I’m more conscious of my need to pray, and finding more times throughout my day to do so, I feel like I’m only beginning to regain what spending time with my Abba in prayer actually means. And like other conversations, prayer works both ways, so I’m straining to listen in these moments as well.

Perhaps this is even more important than saying whatever I have to say in the moment.

What is God Saying?

I’ve been the ballplayer who tries to throw a ball without first fielding it. And I’ve learned from those mistakes the importance of having the Spirit’s leading in my work. Angela was a big part of both my training and my discernment for many years, so it is different now, having to rely on God’s presence in her absence.

Still, as I pray about the direction of my writing, and my desire to resume drafting my work-in-progress (WIP), the Spirit keeps bringing me back to an interesting moment in Paul’s ministry.

Paul and his companions traveled throughout the region of Phrygia and Galatia, having been kept by the Holy Spirit from preaching the word in the province of Asia. When they came to the border of Mysia, they tried to enter Bithynia, but the Spirit of Jesus would not allow them to. So they passed by Mysia and went down to Troas. Acts 16:6-8 (NIV)

Paul had a plan, and we can assume there wasn’t anything morally wrong with his plan. After all, God had sent him out as a missionary. Still, Paul wanted to go east, and God sent him westward. I don’t know the mechanics of how the Spirit blocked Paul’s intended course, or how obvious it was to Paul.

Sometimes we encounter obstacles that the enemy puts up. Sometimes it is God who puts up the roadblock. Without prayer and discernment, we cannot tell the difference. I wrote last month that my WIP tab had gone silent. And I sense in my spirit that the Lord has put that particular project on hold. I’ve been praying about this for weeks.

Opening a New Tab?

In Acts 16, it was only after God showed Paul (at least twice) that He had put up the roadblock that He gave Paul a new assignment.

During the night Paul had a vision of a man of Macedonia standing and begging him, “Come over to Macedonia and help us.” After Paul had seen the vision, we got ready at once to leave for Macedonia, concluding that God had called us to preach the gospel to them. Acts 16:9-10 (NIV)

Paul heeded the roadblock, followed the Spirit’s leading, and experienced one of his most fruitful missions during his visit to Philippi, his first stop in Macedonia. God didn’t stop Paul’s work, but He did redirect it.

I haven’t had a vision of a man from Macedonia (or anywhere else), but I’ve discerned this week that a new tab has opened in my mental writing file. Is this the Spirit leading me, or just a shiny object distracting me? I don’t know yet.

But I know that I need to discern the answer. So I will pray more on this point, and I invite and welcome your prayers as well.