The Post I Never Thought I Would Write

When I began this blog, I envisioned it as a place where I could connect with readers and offer a peek behind the curtain at my current books and future projects. So, it is primarily an extension of my writing that I use to grow and engage my reader base.

This blog also gives me a space to be transparent with readers, whether you know me personally or not. In doing so, I get to remind both of us that I am human (even if I am the only one who needs reminding).

This post will be my most transparent and most human entry to date.

A Plan Disrupted

In my last entry, I posted what will be the first in a series of spotlights on minor characters from Coin and Dagger. I had planned to feature a new character every two or three weeks.

In their hearts humans plan their course,

    but the Lord establishes their steps. – Proverbs 16:9 (NIV)

Our plans don’t always unfold the way we hope. Sometimes the unexpected happens and alters our course. For me, the unexpected happened a few weeks ago when my wife passed to her eternal home after a brief illness.

As anyone who has lost a spouse knows, my time has been consumed by grieving, making arrangements, slogging through a list of tasks that I didn’t have at the beginning of the year, and adjusting to life as a single dad. I haven’t had time (much less the mental and emotional energy) to think about writing.

Of course, I’ve been processing what Angela’s departure means for me as her husband, and as a father to our son. Many of you who know me personally have faithfully come alongside me and shared steps on this grief journey with me.

As I open my typewriter for the first time in weeks, I ask you to indulge my need to be transparent—and human—as I use this space to process aloud what losing my wife means for me as a writer.

Uncertainty

In our fallen world, death is a certainty of life. Paradoxically, it also informs our sense of uncertainty like no other event can. We become aware of our own mortality, our own limitations, and our own dependence on those closest to us. We wonder if we have planned sufficiently for our own eventual passing. Finally, we have to figure out how to navigate daily life until that time.

I’ve written previously about how God has providentially sustained our family, much the same as He sustained the Israelites in the wilderness. Practically speaking, one of the reasons that I have been able to balance my time between my part-time job (which provides a small, but steady paycheck) and my writing (which provides future gains of indeterminate amounts) is because Angela’s income supplied the bulk of our manna.

We had all of the necessary fallbacks in place to ensure that, financially, we can get through the next couple of years without having to make any major decisions. Still, the fallbacks only buy a finite amount of time. So unless I start selling books by the thousands (which I sincerely do not expect), I will need to evaluate in the not-too-distant future how I deploy my time, and what that means for my writing.

Focus

Even before Coin and Dagger‘s official release, I began envisioning and brainstorming my next book. I spent several months building a mind map, noting which resources I would need, and doing preliminary research.

Early this year I allocated time to more specific and detailed research, framed a nine-point story outline, and started drafting the anchor scenes. No matter where I was or what I was doing, the WIP (work-in-progress) tab on my mental browser was always running and always pinging with new notifications.

Since Angela’s departure, that tab has been silent. I can’t say for sure if it is still open. My Scapple and Scrivener files remain unopened. My Freewrite has been untouched until today. My whiteboard looks the same as it did a month ago. My research stack got pushed to the corner.

Of course, I don’t want or intend to cancel my WIP. Every book I’ve written has been a Spirit-led work commissioned by God. The same is true of my open project. For this reason, I believe that somehow God will spurn me to resume this project. When and how, I can’t say.

What I can say is that I don’t want to—and really shouldn’t—force forward movement. That would only produce a whole lot of terrible writing that will need a complete do-over.

So how can I get that WIP tab open and pinging again? Apart from prayer, I don’t know if there is much I can do. I don’t think the timing is up to me. But that doesn’t mean I should be passive and do nothing in this season, which brings me to a final point.

Mental and Emotional Readiness

Readiness and focus are related and often interdependent, but there are some worthwhile distinctions. As I check tasks off my to-do list and get new routines established, I can close those mental tabs and free up mind space for other tasks—including writing.

In this way, mental readiness is very much related to the passage of time. But resuming writing by simply picking up where I left off is impossible because both I and my environment have changed.

Before, when I looked up from the keyboard, I would see a messy worktable with books and notes scattered about, and the bookcase beyond the table stacked slightly more neatly with books that wouldn’t fit on the table.

Now, I look across the table and see Angela’s urn resting on the bookcase. A visible reminder that my wife—who was my partner in the full Koinonia sense of the word—is no longer here to contribute to this project as she had in the past.

Though she lovingly promised never to read my novels (because she never read fiction), she was still my biggest supporter. She genuinely listened when I talked about my ideas and my progress. She endured tedious ramblings about word counts, plot points, and character arcs. However, in our partnership, Angela was much more than just a sounding board.

She supplied artwork for my book covers and marketing materials. She promoted my book signings and other local events. Most of all, she prayed fervently that God would use my books for His glory. She was both delighted and excited to have this unique role in our shared work.

Both Angela and her partnership are irreplaceable. Perhaps that is the biggest obstacle that I need to get over, because losing my wife has cost me a measure of my motivation.

Uncertain Doesn’t Mean Hopeless

Even as I continue to wrestle with questions and mourning, I cling to the truth that God is on the throne of the universe and that He has not abandoned me. Even though I don’t know what it will look like, I trust that He will return me to writing in His time and that He will direct my work when He does.

I trust that He will work out answers to all my questions and show me solutions and paths when I need them. And for today, that is enough to get me to tomorrow.

A Final Thought

In closing, I would like to share the brief eulogy that I wrote for Angela and had a friend read at her memorial. Though I wrote this for those who knew her, I share it here hoping that her legacy might be a beacon and comfort to all who read these words, whether you knew Angela or not, and wherever you are on your faith journey.

Isaiah 41:10 says

So do not fear, for I am with you;

    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (NIV)

These are the words that defined Angela’s life. She knew the magnitude of God’s grace, the power of His presence, and the depth of His love. Angela enjoyed an intimate bond with her Savior that manifested in ceaseless praying, fervent worship, and the privilege of hearing His voice in a way that very few ever experience. To spend the last thirteen years walking alongside her on this journey amplified my joy, fed my growth, and magnified my faith.

Most of all, Angela understood God’s steadfast faithfulness. She knew that His promise to strengthen, help, and uphold her was unfailing because He proved it time and again. And Angela never missed an opportunity to proclaim His faithfulness. Each of us gathered today has our own vivid memories of Angela. Fun memories. Comforting memories. Search those memories, and you will no doubt hear Angela’s voice saying:

“Jesus was showing off for me today.”

“So here’s a cool God story …”

“Not my own strength, this is all the Holy Spirit.”

“Look at how God has sustained us!”

Whatever storms we faced, Angela knew that her feet were on solid rock, and God’s righteous right hand was her strength. When depression threatened her joy, Angela took comfort knowing that her hope was secure. When anxiety invaded her thoughts, Angela prayed until the Holy Spirit filled her with peace. When pain in her abdomen and joints slowed her down, she refused to forget that someday she would receive a new body, never again subject to deterioration.

Even as the storms increased in recent years, Angela persevered not just for her family, but for all who knew her. She prayed that God’s work through her would reveal His grace to others and invite more people to experience the hope of salvation that can only be found in Jesus.

Just as these words from Isaiah shaped Angela’s life and her witness to others, they carried her home to victory. In her final waking moments, when I spoke to her for the last time, I told her that John Mark was safe, that I wasn’t leaving, that the church was praying, and that the doctors were fully prepared.

I thought I was assuring her in that moment, but it is more accurate to say that Angela was assuring me.

She couldn’t respond, but she looked at me with love and hope. No fear. Had God already spoken to her, as He so often did, repeating His promise a final time? Had Angela already heard Him say, “Do not fear, for I am with you?” It would not surprise me to learn that He did. No fear. That was the message Angela passed to me in our last moment together, and the legacy that she now leaves for all of us.