For the second time this year, I’ve gone more than a month without posting a new blog entry. I’d like to tell you that my silence is because I’ve been busy finishing my next book. That is partly true. I’ve exceeded my original 40,000-word target. I’ve even added its projected release to the book page on my website and started recruiting beta readers at local events.
So there are definite signs of forward progress. Yet, I still have almost 7500 words to go before I mark the first draft complete (the book grew during drafting).
Most of this growth comes from the track that tells Angela’s and my story. I simply didn’t expect to have so much to write (though some will get trimmed in revision). I also didn’t expect to remember so many details along the way. But the details were relevant—and often fun—to recall …
… until I reached the final length of that track, detailing the final season of Angela’s life. From there, I jumped to the final track, which begins with the details of Angela’s last day in this life. These memories are much more difficult to write about. Not just because of the pain, but because this transition brings into focus what writing this book means for me.
This book is where my past meets my future. We all have transitional seasons and events in our lives, and they are often filled with struggles. This is the toughest such season I’ve faced.
So I’ve been spending time with one of the best-known personal transition moments in the Bible.
Jacob’s Back Story
Before we jump into the action, let’s recap Jacob’s story thus far. For the sake of brevity, I’ll leave out the details. If you would like to read them yourself, Jacob’s story begins in Genesis 25, and we’ll pick up in a moment with the events of chapter 32.
Jacob was the younger twin brother of Esau. Esau, as the firstborn, was the presumed heir to Isaac, which included not only Isaac’s estate but God’s covenant promise to Isaac’s father, Abraham.
Jacob (with help from his mother) devised a plan to extort Esau of his birthright (inheritance). After this, Jacob deceived his father into giving Jacob his blessing in place of Esau.
Jacob fled and took refuge among his mother’s family. His uncle Laban’s daughter, Rachel, caught his eye, and Jacob worked for Laban for seven years in exchange for his daughter’s hand in marriage.
When the wedding day arrived, Laban arranged for his oldest daughter, Leah, to marry Jacob—but Jacob had his heart set on Rachel. Laban agreed to allow Jacob to marry Rachel as well—in exchange for another seven years of labor.
In the years that followed, Jacob managed Laban’s flocks. Through selective breeding, he successfully grew himself a sizeable flock that eventually eclipsed Laban’s, much to Laban’s dismay. At this point, Jacob fled from Laban.
Once again, Jacob was on the run, this time preparing for a reunion with the older brother he hadn’t seen in over twenty years. During Jacob’s flight, Laban caught up to him, but not with retribution in mind. He wanted to send his daughters and grandchildren (and yes, his son-in-law) off with a proper farewell and blessing.
Where the Future Confronts the Past
Jacob carried on, sending messengers and gifts ahead to Esau. He hoped doing so would assuage his brother’s anger and win his favor. Jacob feared he wouldn’t be as fortunate when confronting Esau as he was with Laban.
Then things really got interesting:
So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
The man asked him, “What is your name?”
“Jacob,” he answered.
Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”
Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”
But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.
So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”
The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip. – Genesis 32:24-31 (NIV)
Whatever confrontation Jacob was expecting, it wasn’t this one. We don’t know where this mystery opponent came from, and we don’t have a play-by-play account of their marathon wrestling match. But we do know that this was the Lord himself intervening for Jacob at just the right time in just the right way.
Post-Match Analysis
Jacob’s encounter with God reveals some important truths about our own struggles and the way God shows up in the midst of them.
God Meets Us Where We Are
Perhaps this is the single most important thing for us to understand from Jacob’s story. God showed up.
He didn’t wait for Jacob to make amends with his brother (which he did shortly afterward). Nor did He let Jacob work out his fear and worry on his own until he finally arrived at an “aha” moment. No, God stepped into Jacob’s mental and emotional upheaval and met him there.
As I write about my thirteen years of marriage, I question if we accomplished all that God had set out for us to do. I wonder how much I’m getting right in this season. And I look with at least some degree of worry to an uncertain future.
I wrestle with these thoughts, and God wrestles with me, because He has chosen to be present with me—and for me—in this season.
Wrestling Requires Proximity
Wrestling is the ultimate contact sport. It is impossible to wrestle someone from a distance, or even at arm’s length. You have to get as close as possible to wrestle properly.
What image does this bring to mind? Do you envision a musclebound monster bear-hugging the breath out of a hapless opponent? Or do you picture a father tumbling around on the living room carpet with his children?
In that latter scenario, Dad is acting out of affection, not malice or even competitiveness. The children know this, and even as Dad uses his unmatched power to shrug them off, they jump right back in for another tumble.
The kids might be a little tired when they’ve finally had enough (which was Dad’s plan all along). Then, they get to sit down and enjoy some rest—curled up snug against Dad on the couch.
On those days when a tough slog of writing beats me up or a painful memory reopens a wound, I know I can struggle with these things and God is not aloof on the couch, but down on the carpet with me.
Even better, I know that after the struggle I can collapse against Him for a bit of rest. Because that is who He is.
God Brings Mercy …
In amateur wrestling, everyone competes in a designated weight class. This way, the matches can be a true contest of skill, without one contestant having a size advantage over another.
Who among us is in God’s “weight class?” He is infinite and we are not. You and I are going to be outmatched every time. Just like Jacob.
Yet, verse 25 tells us “the man [God] saw that he could not overpower him [Jacob].” Surely, God, who created and sustains all things, can overpower Jacob.
Why didn’t He?
Because God is not there to win. He is already the forever and eternal winner and can never be anything less. Instead, He wrestles with us to lead us to victory.
He spent the whole night wrestling with Jacob—to a draw. As I picture this match, I envision Jacob going all-in on the offensive. Trying every hold, throw, and maneuver he can think of. Meanwhile, God casually does just enough to foil Jacob’s attack.
Why do I picture the match like this? Because that’s how my wrestling matches with God play out.
I come to God with confusion, anger, pain, worry, and questions—so many questions. And He sits there and takes it. He absorbs every bit of it. And He still stands, steadfast and strong as ever.
… but Mercy Sometimes Looks Strange
Verse 25 continues, telling us that God “touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched.”
One move—one touch—was all it took God to end the match. This, despite the injury to Jacob, was an act of mercy.
Jacob had been energized by fear, anxiety, and perhaps guilt. God knew that if Jacob continued in this way he would eventually self-destruct. So He intervened and forced Jacob to be still, to rest, and to recalibrate.
I had thirteen wonderful years with Angela. When I look back and ask, “Did we do enough?” God’s intervention reminds me that the question is flawed. Our work isn’t done yet, even though Angela’s role is now very different.
As writing our story forces me to articulate thoughts and emotions, God funnels them toward a future that He knows and that He has set, even if it is largely unclear to me.
Like Jacob, I limp ahead a little slower than before. Also like Jacob, each step reminds me that God met me on my journey and remains with me as it continues.
Wrestling with God Transforms Us
God loves us so much that He meets us in any situation. At the same time, His love for us is too great to leave us as He finds us. He comes to us to change us, to conform us more to His image.
Jacob experienced a physical change and a name change. It was in this meeting that God renamed him Israel. This is where his story changed from the story of a swindler whose past caught up with him to the story of the father of a nation through which God will transform the world with His saving grace.
My future is still much unknown. I still need to face major decisions and questions that, as of now, I don’t know how to answer.
Yet I also know that God walks alongside me, and I take each step knowing this truth. I know my next couple of steps, and I trust that God will give me more when I need them.
Encouragement for Your Struggle
In closing, I’d like to share an excerpt from my Advent devotional, Preparing for Jesus. On the day five entry, we contemplate this scene from Jacob’s life. Below are the reflection questions and prayer prompts from that entry.
REFLECT: Think about seasons of difficulty that you’ve endured. Perhaps you’re in such a season now. How did God show himself to you in those times? How does His presence in past difficulty change how you approach your present struggle or prepare for the next one?
PRAY: Thank God for the ways that He has carried you through difficult seasons. If you’re feeling weighed down now, invite Him to join your struggle and bear your burdens for you.
Heartfelt post. Loved the Dad wrestling metaphor. Here’s a quote that stood out about that: ” On those days when a tough slog of writing beats me up or a painful memory reopens a wound, I know I can struggle with these things and God is not aloof on the couch, but down on the carpet with me. Even better, I know that after the struggle I can collapse against Him for a bit of rest. Because that is who He is.” Thanks for sharing!
I can appreciate the “struggle,” Jac. I’m thankful that God intervenes like any good father would do. Jacob is a symbol for so many of us. He did something horrible, but he spent the rest of his life making up for it, and he wouldn’t take “no” as an answer from God. He showed up, he persisted, and he never gave up. God loves us too much to ever give up on us. View your struggles as God-given gifts used to grow you more spiritually mature.